*I wrote this in my journal in May 2017. Excuse the rambling. Didn't quite plan on it ever being public :)
Big sigh. That is how I would categorize most of my first year post divorce. A big big sigh. Some things have worked out, some haven't at all. And the things that didn't? Well, most of it is probably for the best, but I'm still getting over a bit of it.
I could argue that this past year has felt like three years and in the same breath, I could say I can't believe it's only been a year. I believe both, equally, because they both exist. It's my new normal, and it's constant change in every single way. My new normal is awful and lovely at the same time. It's a paradox.
It's GLORIOUSLY SUCKY.
In all my reading lately, I keep hearing that I should lean into my discomfort and to view adversity as an opportunity to stick it out vs. quitting. And I think it's right on:
It would really really suck if I went through this divorce, went through all the motions, all the legal crap, all the angry nights and crying I have done in the past 365 days...and just quit trying now.
Nobody told me it would be easy. Everybody told me I would be better off. But until you live the day-in and day-out of a post-marriage life, no matter how much you loved or hated the person, no matter how much you wanted or didn't want your marriage to end, it's still something you just cannot grasp until you're in it. I know once I get past this part, I will be happy I went through it. I know eventually this will be a memory, a distant one (even though it seems impossible right now.) I know this because I've seen my friends rise out of the ashes. One of my best friends, Keatyn, is living proof as she reminded me today.
However, the nuts and bolts of getting through this part are a lot like chopped onions (in a tossed salad that you specifically asked for there to be NO onions in). Do you know how hard it is to take out slivers of onion from a salad with the dressing already on it? DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE. And while I don't mind cooked onions, I am not a fan of raw onions. So, when this happens, you better believe I pick out each one. The salad looks so great...but the onions make it hard for me to get to the good stuff. My current life is a big, yummy salad with a bunch of chopped onions hidden in it. I keep trying to get rid of them, but every other day, a new onion shows itself, making me stop and sigh.
But every day I pick out another onion is a day closer to enjoying my salad. And that's makes it worth it. 🥗 Now I'm hungry.